I don’t know how many of you are fans of urban fiction, but it is my genre of choice. There are a lot of relationship issues that occur in these books that are thought provoking and often times, insightful. Most of the issues that occur in these books parallel real life. Art imitates life anyway. While reading a book the other day, it triggered a thought. The main character was in a relationship with a guy who consistently cheated on her and even got other women pregnant. What took the cake was when he ended up having a secret relationship with one of her childhood best friends. Yet he claimed to love her. How could you say you love someone and betray them in that way? Upon learning about his and her best friend’s deceit, she caught sense and moved on to another man. As a result, the ex-boyfriend got jealous and found several different ways to convince himself that she fucked up and was wrong for leaving him to be with someone who he knows would treat her better. The whole scenario just triggered the thought for me: why do men treat women wrong and then when she moves on, they look at her like she is the one in the wrong as opposed to acknowledging their flaws and what it is that they had done wrong?
I actually posted this question on social media looking for male insight as to why they become angry with the women they mistreat for moving on. One of my male friends answered with multiple comments. He first stated that “the woman is suppose to stay and be loyal” and after asking for further explanation, he said “because men know they’re not shit but as a woman, you’re suppose to hold it down”. A female commenter thought that women are the cause of why men treat us like this. We make excuses for the men and then when those excuses are not valuable or useful to us any longer, then we wake up and begin complaining. It turned into a debate with my male friend stating “as a man, it is their job to sell dreams”. At first, I rolled my eyes for two reasons: why should you as a man think that it is ok to sell dreams but furthermore, did it even have anything to do with what I initially asked or what the young lady commented? I wrote it off thinking the comment did not apply but upon further thought, I see what he means. Men are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you there. Men believe women are suppose to continuously buy the dreams they sell knowing that they’re not shit and will not change, BUT if they do decide to change, they expect you to be there after many years of being used and abused. To them, it is like ‘how dare you not believe what I say anymore? You did for so long.’ Yes, we are going to blame the men and hold them accountable for their actions, but I agree with what the young lady commented. IT IS OUR FAULT AS WOMEN FOR ALLOWING THE MAN TO CONTINUOUSLY DO US WRONG. Yes, rightfully the man should be upfront and honest about his intentions, but we know that is not how the world works. Some men, the users, the cheaters, etc. can see women’s weaknesses and prey on them selling them dreams and as a result, we fall for words and not actions. However, the actions were there all along and we ended up selling ourselves a dream. Men should not be mad because they knew they were playing games and hoodwinking us, but it is our fault for allowing it to begin with. When the signs are there, believe what is being shown and not the fantasy that is created in our heads. Mostly all women fall victim to this behavior at some point or another. When we realize what is happening and words and actions do not match up, we should try to escape the situation as soon as possible. We stay hoping that things could change or get better and we end up wasting more time. No matter how much time you have invested, there is always strength in leaving. It is never too late. The man you want is out there and will treat you like the Queen you are. I have been in a situation like this and after a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, I had to acknowledge that it was my fault for staying and ignoring signs that other women would have run at the first sign of. You cannot change anyone who does not want to change or who does not see an issue with their actions. No amount of talking can change a person who does not want to change. The best apology you can give yourself for tolerating toxic behavior such as this for so long is to leave and move on.
PS: If any of you are interested, the book is “Trust and Issues” by Danielle Marcus.