Dreams to Reality

I don’t know how many of you are fans of urban fiction, but it is my genre of choice. There are a lot of relationship issues that occur in these books that are thought provoking and often times, insightful. Most of the issues that occur in these books parallel real life. Art imitates life anyway. While reading a book the other day, it triggered a thought. The main character was in a relationship with a guy who consistently cheated on her and even got other women pregnant. What took the cake was when he ended up having a secret relationship with one of her childhood best friends. Yet he claimed to love her. How could you say you love someone and betray them in that way? Upon learning about his and her best friend’s deceit, she caught sense and moved on to another man. As a result, the ex-boyfriend got jealous and found several different ways to convince himself that she fucked up and was wrong for leaving him to be with someone who he knows would treat her better. The whole scenario just triggered the thought for me: why do men treat women wrong and then when she moves on, they look at her like she is the one in the wrong as opposed to acknowledging their flaws and what it is that they had done wrong?

I actually posted this question on social media looking for male insight as to why they become angry with the women they mistreat for moving on. One of my male friends answered with multiple comments. He first stated that “the woman is suppose to stay and be loyal” and after asking for further explanation, he said “because men know they’re not shit but as a woman, you’re suppose to hold it down”. A female commenter thought that women are the cause of why men treat us like this. We make excuses for the men and then when those excuses are not valuable or useful to us any longer, then we wake up and begin complaining. It turned into a debate with my male friend stating “as a man, it is their job to sell dreams”. At first, I rolled my eyes for two reasons: why should you as a man think that it is ok to sell dreams but furthermore, did it even have anything to do with what I initially asked or what the young lady commented? I wrote it off thinking the comment did not apply but upon further thought, I see what he means. Men are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you there. Men believe women are suppose to continuously buy the dreams they sell knowing that they’re not shit and will not change, BUT if they do decide to change, they expect you to be there after many years of being used and abused. To them, it is like ‘how dare you not believe what I say anymore? You did for so long.’ Yes, we are going to blame the men and hold them accountable for their actions, but I agree with what the young lady commented.  IT IS OUR FAULT AS WOMEN FOR ALLOWING THE MAN TO CONTINUOUSLY DO US WRONG. Yes, rightfully the man should be upfront and honest about his intentions, but we know that is not how the world works. Some men, the users, the cheaters, etc. can see women’s weaknesses and prey on them selling them dreams and as a result, we fall for words and not actions. However, the actions were there all along and we ended up selling ourselves a dream. Men should not be mad because they knew they were playing games and hoodwinking us, but it is our fault for allowing it to begin with. When the signs are there, believe what is being shown and not the fantasy that is created in our heads. Mostly all women fall victim to this behavior at some point or another. When we realize what is happening and words and actions do not match up, we should try to escape the situation as soon as possible. We stay hoping that things could change or get better and we end up wasting more time. No matter how much time you have invested, there is always strength in leaving. It is never too late. The man you want is out there and will treat you like the Queen you are. I have been in a situation like this and after a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, I had to acknowledge that it was my fault for staying and ignoring signs that other women would have run at the first sign of. You cannot change anyone who does not want to change or who does not see an issue with their actions. No amount of talking can change a person who does not want to change. The best apology you can give yourself for tolerating toxic behavior such as this for so long is to leave and move on.

PS: If any of you are interested, the book is “Trust and Issues” by Danielle Marcus.

Dilemma

justice-clipart-scale-clipart-1While scrolling on Instagram today, I stumbled across an interesting question: “would you tell your friend’s significant other that your friend is cheating on them?” LOL! Lawd. The first thing that popped into my mind was hell no. That is not any of my business. My mother always preached to stay out of people’s relationships; what you won’t tolerate, someone else will and in this case once they make up, you’re the one who will be on the outs with your friend for spilling his or her business. I agree. While we never want to see anyone being played, especially if he or she is a genuinely good person and do not deserve it, I wouldn’t be saying shit.

Now, let’s make this topic more interesting.  What if both people are your friends and one of the friends is cheating on the other? What would you do then?
So, before I give my opinion on that, I would have to say I was placed in a predicament such as this one before. I knew that a friend was cheating on another friend, but I chose not to say anything. Some might think it’s messed up and I agree to an extent. It actually
weighs on my conscience every now and again, but I feel like I was justified in keeping that bit of information to myself. For starters, if I did decide to hold the one friend down, would they reveal that it was me who told them? I think they would have.  Many people cannot help but to disclose the source they got the information from, especially when emotions are running high. The accused party might deny the accusation and the source, if valid, would make the confrontation or the argument easier to make and prevent the accused from playing coy. While I understand the thought process and everything, I do not want to be placed in unnecessary drama for any reason. Perhaps, though, if I was closer to the party who was being cheated on rather than the accused, I do not think I would care about how it plays out, but if I value both friendships equally, I would rather stay out of it. In hindsight, however, I would have told the friend who was cheating to tell their significant other because now that I know, I feel inclined to tell.

Another thing I consider is what the cheated party would do with that information. Would they leave? Would they stay to work it out? In the example I gave above with my two friends, I knew that the person who was being cheated on would not leave. That should not have any bearing on whether I told or not, but it did. If you are anything like me, you like to know that your friends are sensible and would leave a situation like  this even if it is temporarily, but the reality is when love and emotions are involved, you tolerate shit you normally would not. I would become so frustrated and upset with my friend after delivering information such as this and them not acting on it.  With that being said, if I know the person would not leave, my first mind tells me to spare them the heartache. I know some may view me as a bad friend for that, but ignorance is bliss. As a friend, I would never want to see any of my friends hurt. Yes,  you may hurt by knowing that the person you are giving your all to is playing you, but would you be hurt enough to leave? I can assess my friend’s strength and what good would it be causing his or her heartbreak when you know they are not going to do anything about it.

All in all, I will decide to stay out of my friends’ relationships in fear that I would be placed in unnecessary drama.  However, this is subject to change after assessing the situation for what it is. If I think that I can tell one of my friends information safely without being dragged into it, I would go for it and even depending on the level of  friendship, if you drag me into it, I would have your back.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree/ disagree with me? What would you do or think you would do if you were put in a similar situation such as the two stated above?

The Beauty of Love

When we think about love, we think about the cheesy, romantic things we see on television or in movies and believe that is what the perfect love story is or entails. The reality of loving someone, however, is anything but. After being in my current relationship for three years, I think that I am now entirely grasping the concept of love. Let’s revisit the title of my blog for a second, “Love Beyond Words”. Initially, going into my relationship, my love didn’t extend beyond the things I said. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, but sometimes my actions contradicted that. Whenever he’d upset me, my defense mechanism went into play. I’d subconsciously tie his actions to those of my past relationships instead of giving him a chance to be him. 

 

The epiphany that I was just loving him on the surface occurred the moment I fell in love; when he would get on my nerves like no one else could and instead of wanting to throw him away, I would rather have him aggravate me than be with anyone else.  I was finally experiencing true love and it was beautiful.

         

When you’re experiencing love, a pure and selfless love, it makes you feel safe. That person could get on your LAST nerves and vice versa and you still just enjoy their presence. You love them even when you hate everything about them in the moment. You love them for who they are and not who they could potentially become. I’d like to describe this type of love as purely unconditional. It is loving someone past their flaws and appreciating them for exactly who they are. If you find this idea difficult to grasp, just think about the love you receive from a parent. Sometimes, as children, we could be the biggest disappointments (let’s just call it growing pains lol), yet, our parents love us the same way. Our mistakes do not change their view of us…that is, if you are blessed enough to have decent, loving parents because the reality is not everyone is fortunate enough to experience unconditional love at home. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, it is natural to be disappointed when a loved one hurts you, but love in its purest form would not change or affect the way you view or even feel about that person. That is the beauty of love.